How to Ask Someone to Be Your Mentor (and What Not to Do)
Really good ways to go about it — and some really wrong ways to do it.
You probably need a mentor.
You probably should be a mentor.
There are always people that can help propel you forward and there are always people you can help evolve along the way. This article does not intend to answer the why, but — once you’ve made this choice for yourself — it hopes to help you with the how. The focus here is on mentorship, but most of it is useful for asking any one for any thing.
I’ve mentored for many years and watched my mentees grow in incredible ways, and I myself am always seeking to grow and learn from others. The rewards on both ends can be incredible and life-changing — and there are some really wrong and really right ways to go about it.
Time is Expensive: What’s In It for Them?
Time is a finite and non-renewable resource, and the most valuable and generous thing someone can share with you. Mentorship, in the usual sense, is “free” — i.e. not paid for, not a paid service — but it is transactional. There is an exchange of value, and everyone who offers this time freely is getting something out of it, and is motivated by at least one of:
Enjoyment: Intrinsic pleasure of coaching, conversing, getting to know know someone and helping them to grow.
Meaning: Intrinsic fulfillment of nurturing or making a difference to someone’s betterment.
Professional Development or Contribution: Formal or informal participation in their professional community, whether a formal requirement or otherwise as part of their own development for evolving those in their profession.
Exchange: Interest in exchange of ideas or knowledge.You surely have something interesting to offer them, too.
This isn’t an exhaustive list, but you get the idea. You must genuinely appeal to this motivation, directly address it, and follow through. Easier said than done? Learn about them. Get creative.
Examples:
As a junior designer awhile ago, I asked a super senior person at my company to mentor me. I offered: 1) insight into my cool project and organization on the other side of the company, 2) custom cocktail recipes per their preferences after our first conversation (as I used to be a bartender.)
Someone just reached out to me yesterday with a great request for a one-time coffee chat: She spoke directly to: 1) things that matter to both of us, 2) why she was reaching out to me specifically, and 3) characteristics we share that make me interested in having her in my community.
How to Write that 1st Email or Message
Be clear, direct, specific, concise, appreciative. Keep it short. It is a request for something valuable (a gift, really), often from a stranger, as well as a contract of sorts. Here’s an example:
Subject: Your TEDxPortland talk + conversation request
Hi Mary [Mentor],
I saw your recent talk at TEDxPortland on unicorns and it was incredible. I’m a junior zoologist looking to improve living quarters for mythical beasts at Fictional Zoo where I work. Would you be open to talking with me 1x a month for the next 3 months? I could also share insights with you about my zoo for your research. Thanks for your consideration.
1. Specific, engaging subject line.
2. Why them specifically? Why you specifically?
3. What’s your goal?
4. What’s in it for them?
5. Terms of the contract, e.g. time limit, session type, how many.
6. Demonstrate that you already value their time and are professional by keeping it short and getting to the point.
7. Thank them for reading and considering your request.
How *Not* to Write that 1st Email or Message
Over the years I’ve received countless bad examples of requests for mentorship, referrals, networking, etc. They all share at least one, if not, all of these:
Don’ts!
Generic. These could be written to anyone, from anyone.
Me me me. Entire message is about them and what they need, sometimes without even why they need it.
Long and unclear, paragraphs of unnecessary information.
Vague or nonexistent goals of mentorship. No clear goals = waste of time.
No proposed structure or terms. Open-ended? One-time? 6 months?
Lack of respect for one’s time or value exhibited by all of the above.
How to Respond to Their Response
If and when they respond — regardless of a “yes” or a “no”— reply promptly, keeping it crisp and appreciative.
They say NO: Thank them anyway for their time and response, and say something positive or forward-looking, e.g. you look forward to their next presentation/book/whatever, you hope to cross paths at an upcoming conference, etc.
They say YES: Keep that respectful vibe going (which can also be light, warm, humorous — read the room!) and follow up promptly with the first meeting invite that should have a clear goal, set expectations, and not require any preparation from them.
Congrats! You’ve Got a New Mentor. Now What?
Follow through on the terms of your social contract, and own making that valuable time as effective and rewarding for everyone as it can be. Make it easy for them, set specific goals for every session, show up and follow though. You should both feel rewarded and better off for having done it.
Good luck!